grow down grow up grow out

so I have not been here in 10 months a friend reminded me about this. So still trying to loose the weight. but not obsessing over it .
but winter is the worst for me. always seen to get into a funk, so yesterday at church i was reminded of what i should be doing that I'm not so not going to make any excused because there is not one . i was heading into the right diction but took a detour. so I'm trying to figure it all out. see i gave it all up to god because his is in control right. but some were down the path i took it back was talking to a friend how i was feeling and how things are falling apart and i said i want to spend MY BONUS on me . but i used it to pay the bills that i fell behind on and that i was mad because it was MY BONUS. and as the woods were coming out of my mouth Omy how stupid i was. wow then i felt like an ass . sorry GOD sometime i need a good kick in the rump . so i been sitting back looking at the things. so see i always fighting the demons most of the time i feel berried alive. so their this painting at church. its this arm reaching for the light. fighting
all the way to reach the light .so its a hard fight some days i just want to stop. and that were I'm out in life so i am praying everyday . hoping one day ill reach that light this are going to be OK just a little hard today